Comment-seeking

[xuenay]

I'm trying to hone my fiction writing as well as hopefully create a longer story. I realize that it's possibly too short to meaningfully comment on, but I'd like to ask for some feedback on the brief scene I posted yesterday. More specifically, there are two things I'd like to ask:

1) How did you find the length of the "Veiran trying to get away from a high place" part? Was it about right, or should I have made the tension last longer? (Did you feel there was any tension in the first place?)

2) Did the scene make you interested in the characters? Suppose you were at a bookstore looking for something to buy and this was the first page of a book you happened to grab and look at. Would you turn the page to read more, put down the book and move on to the next one, or buy the thing?

Don't be kind, don't be mean - be honest. Thanks!

EDIT at 15:31 West Coast Time (GMT -7): I edited the original based on feedback from alicorn24 and alekseiriikonen, so if you're commenting, make sure you've read the most recent version!

Comments

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

This is excellent feedback. Thank you very much.

I was a bit worried about whether I'd described the situation enough when I wrote that. I've had a bad tendency to do too much info-dumping in long stories in the past, and this isn't the first time that I've over-compensated and ended up with too little information. Let's see. Suppose the story had mentioned a small keep, with three walls on the sides and a steep mountain cliff making up the fourth. Inside the walls are several buildings, the tallest of which is maybe four or five stories tall. Veiran is sitting on the edge of the roof of that one, his feet dangling in the air. Would that have been enough information? (And now that I've described it, I can see that I should definitely have included at least some of that.)

The Warrior-Saint thing was primarily meant to make the reader curious about what that's all about, as well as to give a hint about Veiran's personality (ambitious). It wasn't anything the reader was supposed to really care about yet, as such. The main tension in the scene was intended to come from just the fear of falling, regardless of why exactly he was there. I was hoping that it would make one curious enough to keep reading to find out more, though.

"That would have been simple enough" is silly, on purpose. That one was partially there to show that Veiran's still a kid, and doesn't really always think things through, nor have that good of a concept of how his emotions really work. Maybe that one would have worked better if I'd mentioned his age earlier? Perhaps also make him a bit younger.

I find it interesting that you interpreted there to be a hint of signicance to Naie's eyes. That was another thing that was mostly just there to hint at his personality (innocent and sensitive, even for a child).

[alicorn24.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know he was outside. Maybe I have the wrong definition of "eave" in my head. Looking it up... Yeah, I had it wrong, I thought eaves were those beams that crisscrossed under roofs to support them. A heuristic that I think is good (although I never use it) is that if you've never heard somebody use a word in conversation, out loud, it shouldn't serve to explain anything in a book. (You can use it, as long as there is abundant context such that you'd still know what was up without it, or if it's in the mouth of a character not meant to be understood.) I don't think the keep part matters - I mean, it may later, but all I needed to know to picture his precarious situation was that he's sitting out on the edge of a roof of a building. I still don't know how he got down once he was away from the edge.

In fewer than a hundred words wherein Naie appears, you mention his eyes twice (once to describe them - as being unusual, moreover - and once when Veiran looks at them). Of course I thought they were significant.

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know he was outside.

Ouch.

I made a bunch of edits based on your comments. Is it better now?

(And although I changed it to remove the second mention of Naie's eyes, now I'm thinking if I should make them somehow significant. Thanks for the idea. :)

[alicorn24.livejournal.com]

"even usually large"

This seems awkward.

"the ladder he'd used to get up here"

This is entirely a pet peeve, not an actual mistake - but I hate indexicals in past-tense fiction. People talking about "here" and "now" surrounded by indications that it's some time ago and elsewhere are jarring.

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

This seems awkward.

Do you have a suggestion for a replacement? I think my thoughts are being contaminated by a Finnish sentence structure.

People talking about "here" and "now" surrounded by indications that it's some time ago and elsewhere are jarring.

Good point. I changed that to "the ladder he'd used to get on the roof".

[alicorn24.livejournal.com]

I think you could cut the phrase altogether. Just "Naie's pupils were leaving hardly any room for the blue in his eyes."

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'd prefer to keep some form of it, but I'll consider just cutting it. Maybe work it in to some later chapter somehow.