Comment-seeking

[xuenay]

I'm trying to hone my fiction writing as well as hopefully create a longer story. I realize that it's possibly too short to meaningfully comment on, but I'd like to ask for some feedback on the brief scene I posted yesterday. More specifically, there are two things I'd like to ask:

1) How did you find the length of the "Veiran trying to get away from a high place" part? Was it about right, or should I have made the tension last longer? (Did you feel there was any tension in the first place?)

2) Did the scene make you interested in the characters? Suppose you were at a bookstore looking for something to buy and this was the first page of a book you happened to grab and look at. Would you turn the page to read more, put down the book and move on to the next one, or buy the thing?

Don't be kind, don't be mean - be honest. Thanks!

EDIT at 15:31 West Coast Time (GMT -7): I edited the original based on feedback from alicorn24 and alekseiriikonen, so if you're commenting, make sure you've read the most recent version!

Comments

[alicorn24.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know he was outside. Maybe I have the wrong definition of "eave" in my head. Looking it up... Yeah, I had it wrong, I thought eaves were those beams that crisscrossed under roofs to support them. A heuristic that I think is good (although I never use it) is that if you've never heard somebody use a word in conversation, out loud, it shouldn't serve to explain anything in a book. (You can use it, as long as there is abundant context such that you'd still know what was up without it, or if it's in the mouth of a character not meant to be understood.) I don't think the keep part matters - I mean, it may later, but all I needed to know to picture his precarious situation was that he's sitting out on the edge of a roof of a building. I still don't know how he got down once he was away from the edge.

In fewer than a hundred words wherein Naie appears, you mention his eyes twice (once to describe them - as being unusual, moreover - and once when Veiran looks at them). Of course I thought they were significant.

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know he was outside.

Ouch.

I made a bunch of edits based on your comments. Is it better now?

(And although I changed it to remove the second mention of Naie's eyes, now I'm thinking if I should make them somehow significant. Thanks for the idea. :)

[alicorn24.livejournal.com]

"even usually large"

This seems awkward.

"the ladder he'd used to get up here"

This is entirely a pet peeve, not an actual mistake - but I hate indexicals in past-tense fiction. People talking about "here" and "now" surrounded by indications that it's some time ago and elsewhere are jarring.

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

This seems awkward.

Do you have a suggestion for a replacement? I think my thoughts are being contaminated by a Finnish sentence structure.

People talking about "here" and "now" surrounded by indications that it's some time ago and elsewhere are jarring.

Good point. I changed that to "the ladder he'd used to get on the roof".

[alicorn24.livejournal.com]

I think you could cut the phrase altogether. Just "Naie's pupils were leaving hardly any room for the blue in his eyes."

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'd prefer to keep some form of it, but I'll consider just cutting it. Maybe work it in to some later chapter somehow.