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Travel diary, day 2
SIAI House, California. April 6, 5:11-6:51 PM PDT
Jet lag is for wussies! Adapting into West Coast time didn't turn out to be any kind of a problem. Well, of course that's not yet a given, as I might suffer from insomnia this evening. But for now it seems like I managed to successfully shift my sleeping patterns. When I woke up today, 8:30 AM local time (6:30 PM Finnish time), it felt like morning. Right now it feels like afternoon. The disadvantage of having a flexible body clock is that keeping your sleeping patterns regular is a pain, but the advantage is that readjusting them is easy.
There are ten people here at the SIAI house in addition to me, and so far they've all seemed nice. During the morning, people had their daily "how are your projects proceeding" fifteen minute meetings with Anna Salamon, the person leading the whole SIAI Visiting Fellows program. Not yet with me, though, as I was new here. After those private meetings, there was a moment when people gathered in one place to discuss any possible issues they had and what they were going to do today. Everyone briefly stated their objectives for the coming day, which varied from configuring a file server for internal house use to working on a video script. (On the topic of the file server, there's a high amount of geekery going on here. This place is running a local EtherPad, a local music repository, a local LessWrong server and now a local file server, all of which are accessible via the local wireless. I've lost count of how many computers I've seen lying around here. Oh, and there's an internal house mailing list. I find myself thinking that an internal IRC channel where you could throw out random comments relating to whatever would also be useful.)
After the meeting, I met with Anna to discuss what exactly it is that I'll be doing here. She described the goal being maybe two thirds education and one third working on useful projects. (I think those were the numbers.) Some visitors, like me, are here for a relatively long while. Others are here for a shorter period, with six weeks being typical. There's a draft "visiting fellow curriculum" containing the Rationality Skillset (currently containing e.g. the subskills Probability Theory, Biases and Heuristics, Microeconomics and Game Theory, and Personal Rationality), the Knowledge Skillset (currently containing e.g. Math, Programming, Existential Risks, Science, and Philosophy), the Research Skillset (currently containing Research, Tutoring and Sales, Writing, Speaking) and the Life Skillset (currently containing Learning, Emotional Wellbeing, Spiritual Wellbeing, Logistics, Social, and Physical Fitness and Nutrition). Expertise in each skill is loosely ranked on a scale from Dabbler to Master. The intention is that by the time they leave, every Visiting Fellow will at least have acquired a level of Dabbler in each skill, and higher levels in at least some. Once they leave, they can put those skills into good use helping humanity.
We also discussed (=Anna told me and I kept nodding and saying "okay" or "yeah") about the need to foster a good atmosphere here. She remarked that people frequently get intimidated by the things they feel they can't do, even though in reality they could learn those things if they had more courage. The goal would be to build a mood where anyone can freely admit they don't know something and can study it without becoming afraid. As part of a general community-building, I was told to start up at least one conversation with everyone here, as well as (this was half in jest) publicly embarass myself by not knowing something and then take it in a stride. I was also asked if I'd be up to noticing when people here seemed down or in the need of somebody to talk to; I truthfully responded that I do like helping people, but am a little hesitant to approach down-seeming people on my own initiative. I said I'd try working on that and in general becoming more extroverted, at least for while I'm here. (Which I haven't done a very good job of, today. I've mostly just wandered into empty rooms and worked or tried to work on some of my assignments. More of which below.) There would be more people coming in as summer got closer, with the possibility of having up to twenty visiting fellows at a time, though Anna wasn't yet sure if it'd be a better idea to cap it at twelve or so. In any case, we'd have to do our best to really build a nice atmosphere and make sure everybody fit in. I liked this part of the talk, as it made me feel motivated to try to improve my social skills and see to it that everyone really has a good and productive time here.
On actual projects, I was given some initial tasks to work with. For one, I should be making a mindmap of my beliefs and questions pertaining to existential risks and rationality, with particular emphasis on whatever stuff I find confusing or unclear. Others will be working on similar mindmaps as well, and on Sunday we'll be sharing our creations with each other and discussing them. If there are any points on which a lot of people are confused, that might be a valuable direction for research and work on in the future. Anna also suggested that I should write some new Less Wrong posts, getting some new ones up as soon as possible for productivity momentum. A conference presentation on some subject, probably co-written with someone here, was also among the suggestions floated.
Since the morning, I've been trying to actually make progress on one of those three goals (mindmap, Less Wrong post, conference presentation), but I noticed I had some mental blocks on the way. For several hours, I kept vacillating between the things I could work on, not really getting anywhere on any of them. In the end, I started writing this post so that it would help me identify and dismantle those mental blocks and then get on with my actual work.
In the end, my biggest block could be tracked down to "I need to be worth this". SIAI already invested a considerable chunk of money on my plane tickets and the people here have invested time to get me here and up to speed. For my own part, I've invested time and money, as well as my friends' time, in getting here. Considering that I'll be here for about three months, that's another big time investment on my behalf. All of that created a lot of mental pressure saying I need to succeed here, live up to peoples' expectations and not waste their or my own time and money. A strong need to succeed creates a strong fear of failure, which has a paralyzing effect. I wasn't getting properly started with anything, because I wasn't sure if I could do it well enough or quickly enough. For Less Wrong posts, I have ideas for two possible ones, which both require me to re-read a bunch of stuff first, and it felt like I should be producing results faster than that. Amusingly, the one conference presentation I had an idea for was basically an abridged version of a paper I'd previously written, which in turn gave the feeling that it wouldn't be enough work. I was also having difficulties expressing my uncertainties in a mindmap format. One source of uncertainty then led to another, with general feelings of inadequacy and some homesickness, with me missing some important people and wondering whether coming here for such a long time really was a good idea.
Fortunately recognizing and analyzing those mental building blocks helped me overcome them. The desperate need to succeed was helped by reflecting on the fact that I am in a supportive, understanding environment here. This isn't like university education where there's a desperate need to stay on top of the course load and the courses are tailored for large amounts of people at once, with only limited possibilities for accomodating individual needs. Here, I can do things at my own pace, and indeed doing so is what I have an obligation to do, for that'll maximize my long-term productivity (as well as the "emotional wellbeing" component of the Life skillset). And yes, I can and should talk to others whenever I get stuck. I've traditionally been pretty bad at that, hopefully that'll improve here.
The feeling of homesickness and wondering whether it was a good idea to come here for such a long period was largely mitigated by one mental image I suddenly got. I thought of what it'd be like after my three months here were done, and it'd be time for me to leave. I realized that in all likelihood, yes I'd be anxious to be reunited with my close friends back in Finland, but I'd also be reluctant to leave behind all the people and all the experiences here. This isn't just any event, but a unique and rare one, and I have no doubt that after having all these people constantly around I'll be feeling lonely once I've gotten back home. Curiously, the thought that I could have a great time here helped orient my thoughts so that I really would have a great time here.
Writing this post helped me feel considerably better. I'll also throw a link to it out on the house mailing list, so the others will be aware of what's been going around in my head today. Now I think I'll put away the laptop for a moment to do some socializing, after which I'll look at doing that analysis of my uncertainties on the field of existential risks. And drafting up the beginning of that conference presentation and throwing it out to people for comments.
Yes, this'll be a good several months.
Jet lag is for wussies! Adapting into West Coast time didn't turn out to be any kind of a problem. Well, of course that's not yet a given, as I might suffer from insomnia this evening. But for now it seems like I managed to successfully shift my sleeping patterns. When I woke up today, 8:30 AM local time (6:30 PM Finnish time), it felt like morning. Right now it feels like afternoon. The disadvantage of having a flexible body clock is that keeping your sleeping patterns regular is a pain, but the advantage is that readjusting them is easy.
There are ten people here at the SIAI house in addition to me, and so far they've all seemed nice. During the morning, people had their daily "how are your projects proceeding" fifteen minute meetings with Anna Salamon, the person leading the whole SIAI Visiting Fellows program. Not yet with me, though, as I was new here. After those private meetings, there was a moment when people gathered in one place to discuss any possible issues they had and what they were going to do today. Everyone briefly stated their objectives for the coming day, which varied from configuring a file server for internal house use to working on a video script. (On the topic of the file server, there's a high amount of geekery going on here. This place is running a local EtherPad, a local music repository, a local LessWrong server and now a local file server, all of which are accessible via the local wireless. I've lost count of how many computers I've seen lying around here. Oh, and there's an internal house mailing list. I find myself thinking that an internal IRC channel where you could throw out random comments relating to whatever would also be useful.)
After the meeting, I met with Anna to discuss what exactly it is that I'll be doing here. She described the goal being maybe two thirds education and one third working on useful projects. (I think those were the numbers.) Some visitors, like me, are here for a relatively long while. Others are here for a shorter period, with six weeks being typical. There's a draft "visiting fellow curriculum" containing the Rationality Skillset (currently containing e.g. the subskills Probability Theory, Biases and Heuristics, Microeconomics and Game Theory, and Personal Rationality), the Knowledge Skillset (currently containing e.g. Math, Programming, Existential Risks, Science, and Philosophy), the Research Skillset (currently containing Research, Tutoring and Sales, Writing, Speaking) and the Life Skillset (currently containing Learning, Emotional Wellbeing, Spiritual Wellbeing, Logistics, Social, and Physical Fitness and Nutrition). Expertise in each skill is loosely ranked on a scale from Dabbler to Master. The intention is that by the time they leave, every Visiting Fellow will at least have acquired a level of Dabbler in each skill, and higher levels in at least some. Once they leave, they can put those skills into good use helping humanity.
We also discussed (=Anna told me and I kept nodding and saying "okay" or "yeah") about the need to foster a good atmosphere here. She remarked that people frequently get intimidated by the things they feel they can't do, even though in reality they could learn those things if they had more courage. The goal would be to build a mood where anyone can freely admit they don't know something and can study it without becoming afraid. As part of a general community-building, I was told to start up at least one conversation with everyone here, as well as (this was half in jest) publicly embarass myself by not knowing something and then take it in a stride. I was also asked if I'd be up to noticing when people here seemed down or in the need of somebody to talk to; I truthfully responded that I do like helping people, but am a little hesitant to approach down-seeming people on my own initiative. I said I'd try working on that and in general becoming more extroverted, at least for while I'm here. (Which I haven't done a very good job of, today. I've mostly just wandered into empty rooms and worked or tried to work on some of my assignments. More of which below.) There would be more people coming in as summer got closer, with the possibility of having up to twenty visiting fellows at a time, though Anna wasn't yet sure if it'd be a better idea to cap it at twelve or so. In any case, we'd have to do our best to really build a nice atmosphere and make sure everybody fit in. I liked this part of the talk, as it made me feel motivated to try to improve my social skills and see to it that everyone really has a good and productive time here.
On actual projects, I was given some initial tasks to work with. For one, I should be making a mindmap of my beliefs and questions pertaining to existential risks and rationality, with particular emphasis on whatever stuff I find confusing or unclear. Others will be working on similar mindmaps as well, and on Sunday we'll be sharing our creations with each other and discussing them. If there are any points on which a lot of people are confused, that might be a valuable direction for research and work on in the future. Anna also suggested that I should write some new Less Wrong posts, getting some new ones up as soon as possible for productivity momentum. A conference presentation on some subject, probably co-written with someone here, was also among the suggestions floated.
Since the morning, I've been trying to actually make progress on one of those three goals (mindmap, Less Wrong post, conference presentation), but I noticed I had some mental blocks on the way. For several hours, I kept vacillating between the things I could work on, not really getting anywhere on any of them. In the end, I started writing this post so that it would help me identify and dismantle those mental blocks and then get on with my actual work.
In the end, my biggest block could be tracked down to "I need to be worth this". SIAI already invested a considerable chunk of money on my plane tickets and the people here have invested time to get me here and up to speed. For my own part, I've invested time and money, as well as my friends' time, in getting here. Considering that I'll be here for about three months, that's another big time investment on my behalf. All of that created a lot of mental pressure saying I need to succeed here, live up to peoples' expectations and not waste their or my own time and money. A strong need to succeed creates a strong fear of failure, which has a paralyzing effect. I wasn't getting properly started with anything, because I wasn't sure if I could do it well enough or quickly enough. For Less Wrong posts, I have ideas for two possible ones, which both require me to re-read a bunch of stuff first, and it felt like I should be producing results faster than that. Amusingly, the one conference presentation I had an idea for was basically an abridged version of a paper I'd previously written, which in turn gave the feeling that it wouldn't be enough work. I was also having difficulties expressing my uncertainties in a mindmap format. One source of uncertainty then led to another, with general feelings of inadequacy and some homesickness, with me missing some important people and wondering whether coming here for such a long time really was a good idea.
Fortunately recognizing and analyzing those mental building blocks helped me overcome them. The desperate need to succeed was helped by reflecting on the fact that I am in a supportive, understanding environment here. This isn't like university education where there's a desperate need to stay on top of the course load and the courses are tailored for large amounts of people at once, with only limited possibilities for accomodating individual needs. Here, I can do things at my own pace, and indeed doing so is what I have an obligation to do, for that'll maximize my long-term productivity (as well as the "emotional wellbeing" component of the Life skillset). And yes, I can and should talk to others whenever I get stuck. I've traditionally been pretty bad at that, hopefully that'll improve here.
The feeling of homesickness and wondering whether it was a good idea to come here for such a long period was largely mitigated by one mental image I suddenly got. I thought of what it'd be like after my three months here were done, and it'd be time for me to leave. I realized that in all likelihood, yes I'd be anxious to be reunited with my close friends back in Finland, but I'd also be reluctant to leave behind all the people and all the experiences here. This isn't just any event, but a unique and rare one, and I have no doubt that after having all these people constantly around I'll be feeling lonely once I've gotten back home. Curiously, the thought that I could have a great time here helped orient my thoughts so that I really would have a great time here.
Writing this post helped me feel considerably better. I'll also throw a link to it out on the house mailing list, so the others will be aware of what's been going around in my head today. Now I think I'll put away the laptop for a moment to do some socializing, after which I'll look at doing that analysis of my uncertainties on the field of existential risks. And drafting up the beginning of that conference presentation and throwing it out to people for comments.
Yes, this'll be a good several months.
What is "spiritual well-being"?
(Anonymous) 2010-04-07 03:30 am (UTC)(link)Should probably be clarified at least in the comments here, so people reading this don't get weird ideas.
Re: What is "spiritual well-being"?
Re: What is "spiritual well-being"?
Or it could mean anime.
Anxiety
(Anonymous) 2010-04-07 08:09 am (UTC)(link)One cannot do one's best while worrying too much whether one is doing eir best. Like yoga or meditation, one has to be oblivious of past and future during practice to let the self get out of the way and embrace a flow state.
Reminds me of the somewhat-related paradox of hedonism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_of_hedonism.
Still, easier said than done.
AB