Comment-seeking

[xuenay]

I'm trying to hone my fiction writing as well as hopefully create a longer story. I realize that it's possibly too short to meaningfully comment on, but I'd like to ask for some feedback on the brief scene I posted yesterday. More specifically, there are two things I'd like to ask:

1) How did you find the length of the "Veiran trying to get away from a high place" part? Was it about right, or should I have made the tension last longer? (Did you feel there was any tension in the first place?)

2) Did the scene make you interested in the characters? Suppose you were at a bookstore looking for something to buy and this was the first page of a book you happened to grab and look at. Would you turn the page to read more, put down the book and move on to the next one, or buy the thing?

Don't be kind, don't be mean - be honest. Thanks!

EDIT at 15:31 West Coast Time (GMT -7): I edited the original based on feedback from alicorn24 and alekseiriikonen, so if you're commenting, make sure you've read the most recent version!

Comments

[alekseiriikonen.livejournal.com]

1. I think that part was well-written as it is.

2. I don't think I'll buy any fiction book in the foreseeable future, or look for new ones to read, since I already own a backlog (including physical books) of fiction I consider very very good, but don't ever manage to read.


As to comments on other stuff, the sentence that starts with "Though" was such that upon reading I wanted to comment that it doesn't really work as well as some other solution conceivably could. But that was the only part of the thing you posted that made me want to offer constructive criticism, generally I thought the thing was good.

I'm sorry that I'll write this current comment in a rush, and won't now go back to review the "Though-sentence", so I could give more specific feedback on it.

[alekseiriikonen.livejournal.com]

I'll also quickly note that I mostly disagree with Alicorn's criticism, I felt that I did manage to picture the motions he made and so on.

[xuenay.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I looked at the "though sentence", and you're right, it didn't really work that well. I'm not sure of what exactly the problem was, either, but in any case I changed it.